Could 2021 be the Year of Having Fun for you? Try my suggestions for the new year, month by month.
January is sleepy month. Spend as much time as you possibly can in bed.
February is museum month. Find an object or a picture, something that symbolises to you the resources you had to come up with to overcome past difficulties as a couple. Something that stands for your love, for your commitment, for your strength. Whether you do this individually or together is up to you. Put this picture or object in a prominent place in your apartment, and if you did the assignment individually talk to each other about what you have chosen.
March is little flower month. I would like to encourage you to discover small but meaningful gestures that make you feel connected. Each of you is to make a short list of three to five items that make you feel loved. Holding hands on the couch? A real kiss before leaving the house? Getting coffee in bed? Five minutes spooning before falling asleep? A loving text message before a difficult presentation at work? Finally, you get a chance to ask for something that you’ve always longed for, no matter how silly or cheesy it might be! After you have exchanged your lists each of you chooses one or two items from your partner’s list that you want to give your partner regularly as a present.
April is fake it! month. Take some time to reflect on what you have learned so far about your partners wishes, longings and vulnerabilities. Think about how your partner would like you to be. What would your partner want you to do? To say? Not to do, not to say? Then choose a few days in April in which your transform yourself into your partner’s ideal partner. And: observe your partner very, very carefully and trying to find out which days they chose to be your ideal partner.
May is letter month. Write a letter to one another. You can write what you want – this is what I’d like to suggest.
- What I fell in love with when I first met you
- What I love you for
- What I would like to know but never asked you
- The things about you that I’ve learned to accept.
- Seven things I apologise for.
- What I think is hot about you
June is picture month. Draw a picture of the highs and lows of your marriage. Show each other your pictures. Don’t try to agree.
July is lazy month. Don’t do anything on purpose for your relationship.
August is feedback month. Talk about the past seven months and share what you enjoyed the most, so far.
September is experiment month. Do one thing together you have never done before. I don’t mean a new museum or a film you haven’t watched before, but rather an activity that is really totally new for both of you. Stand up paddling? Playing golf? Taking part in an orgy? Or taking part in a Japanese tea ceremony?
October is gambling month. Each week one of you gets to throw a dice, once. And this is what could happen:
- The one who rolled a one gets to tell a sexual phantasy that hasn’t been shared.
- The one who rolled a two gets to ask an erotic questions explaining exactly why this question is important and interesting to them. Answering is optional.
- The one who rolled a three gets to share how they would like to make love in that week. Following through is optional.
- The one who rolled a four gets to share how they would like to refuse sex and being refused.
- The one who rolled a five gets to share an erotic topic that feels difficult or awkward.
- The one who rolled a six gets to … discuss this at the beginning of gambling month and decide on what you want to happen.
Make sure that at the end of the month you talk about your preferences. Were you looking forward to rolling one specific number? Were you scared of rolling one number? Which one was fun and which one wasn’t?
November is the month of the dead. You will get to recall, share and mourn all the things that are dead by now. What are the hopes for yourselves and your relationship that have passed? What aspirations are no longer there? Which fantasies that you once shared are gone by now? Have a conversation or two about all there was and no longer is – both for yourselves and as a couple.
December is cuddle month. Go out and cuddle in all the wrong places! In museums, in parks, at friends’ houses, in the supermarket, at Christmas parties, in buses, at traffic lights. And: at home! Under the table .
Do you want to meet a fun expert? Then Michael Rucker, PhD is your guy. If you go to his website, you can find out more about the science of fun.
If you’re seriously into fun, you and your partner could take a test: the Fun Type Calculator on Rucker’s website will tell you what kind of fun-haver you are. Hey, you can even compile your very personal Couple’s Fun File! And, if you you’re getting all anxious and worried now because you believe it’s selfish and inappropriate to involve yourselves too much with fun when you could be WORKING! instead, remember: fun is so beneficial for your immune system. Seriously.